six months of a bad behavior
Mused @ 10:20 PM, 11/25/2009
I hope I did the right thing...this is really hard. It's really difficult to open myself up to another one...but he's so, so serious about it.
I still feel like I've done wrong to Michael. So much went wrong with us the last few months, it's true - but do I really have the right to be happy with another one? It is kind of hard for me to let go of him, although I was the one to end our relationship. I don't want to read through all these posts again where I wrote about him and me staying together for all time, when I was so in love a year ago.
I treated Steffen quite badly since Sunday evening because I was afraid of feeling this again. I didn't want to be in love again...I felt like everything would repeat. But I love him. I do, it was hard to deny my feelings. I couldn't really go on like this. I don't want this *absolute* kind of stuff anymore, you know, like talking as if we would stay together until the end of time and all this. But I sometimes catch myself thinking about a future we have together - like, when I start studying at university and he too, we'll move in together and start our life. Things I planned with Michael too, but it appears so much easier with Steffen because we are so similar in all our ways. It still hurts to let go of Michael. It is hard.
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Mused @ 3:06 AM, 11/23/2009
Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I'm sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I'm terrified but I'm not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger
Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he's here means he's never lost
As my life flashes before my eyes
I'm wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won't get the chance to say goodbye
But it's too late too pick up the value of my life
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pull the trigger
Mused @ 11:23 PM, 11/17/2009
I'm kind of feeling better.
Well, a bit at least. Me and Michael hadn't had contact since two weeks. It's better for the time being. I'm still not sure if I already have the right to be happy with another one. I don't want to think about how Michael feels. Well, maybe he isn't that sad anymore, but whenever I think about him, I am.
I still can't consider myself Steffen's new girlfriend...although everything which can happen already happened, if you know what I mean. I guess I haven't waited for my period that eagerly since this one time in summer...it wouldn't have been a good start if I was already pregnant, you know. (I CARE FOR AND USE PROTECTION if anybody's still doubting that.) I started today though, so one issue less.
I should really give him more of a chance. I'm still kind of keeping him away from me, although he's THE guy. Letting go of my former boyfriend is harder than I thought.
OH GOSH I NEED TO CONTINUE WITH MY SKILLED WORK! ONLY TWO AND A HALF MONTHS LEFT *@#?/%&wtf
It is getting damn serious. I really need to work on it. I have one day off tomorrow and I WON'T see the new guy. So lots of time. Kudos.
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Mused @ 2:20 PM, 11/05/2009
Michael won't let go of me...
S. does everything right. We're so similar.
On the one hand I'm really happy that I've found him, on the other hand I don't know if it's right. Should I be feeling happy after I hurt someone really bad?
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Mused @ 12:48 AM, 11/02/2009
I believe this had been the worst two weeks of all my life.
October 19th: So I confessed my feelings to S., and yes, he returned them. He said he organized my birthday party just to see me once again. What the hell.
October 21st: Without telling anyone we met in the city. We talked long long long about everything you can imagine. Gosh, I guess I never met a person who is more similar to me...he's such a nice guy when talking personally to him. Really. I enjoyed being around him. But the thoughts in my head were swirling around worse and worse. I was kind of betraying my boyfriend by lying to him about everything. But how should I tell him everything?
October 22nd: Michael picked me up from school and told me he wasn't at work this day. I was wondering why, he said he was feeling really sick and vomits after eating. I was quite worried then, but it turned out to even be worse. After being together like nothing at all had happened (I was acting like I could really win an Academy Award...) we started talking, and he confessed to me that he had hacked into my SchuelerVZ-account and read my messages. I was shocked. That kind of broke the last little piece of trust I had for him. He found out about my meeting with S. through this, and called P. in his despair because he didn't have anyone else to talk to. P. was overly pissed off at S. and I found myself caught between two stools. Awesome. Told S. about the situation, and found out I was the only one who cared informing him about it.
October 23rd: One day off from seeing Michael. I met S. instead, talking to him once again about our situation and felt my feelings growing (unfortunately?).
October 24th: Let my feelings flow, kissed S. and spent the night sitting stupidly around at the central station together with him. Went home at 6 in the morning and met Michael at home in the afternoon. He stopped eating and was emotionally ruined. I started growing pity for him rather love again, which startled me a lot. We tried talking rationally again, but nothing seemed to stick to Michael's head.
My longing for seeing S. again was huge, so I used the disguise of 'having to talk to him again' and met him, only to kiss him and be with him all night. Spend the night at his house (without having sex, please) and went home at 6 in the morning again, feeling devastated with the thought of having cheated on Michael.
October 25th: Michael visited me again, obviously feeling worse. Still longing for S., so I went to his house late in the night again.
October 26th: I had to make a decision, and this thought was killing me. It was truly killing me. I was feeling unconcentrated and restless. Found no more sleep than 4 hours max per night since one week. I was falling asleep in class and was late almost every day since October 20th.
October 27th: Met S. again. Feelings are growing, I cannot deny them anymore. He says he wants to keep me and doesn't want another girl (exactly what Michael said). I tested him by trying to seduce him and he said I should stop because he didn't want this. His feelings are true, truer than I thought.
October 28th: Spend the day with Michael, who hasn't attended work since the 22nd. It was a wonderful day - we were together like best friends. Got the DVD for Slumdog Millionaire and a Wacom Bamboo. We watched the DVD together, and afterwards Michael's feelings were breaking through again. I noticed that my feelings for him, despite everything I have said, were fading. I was feeling more pity for him, I was more worried about his psychological state than thinking about staying with him because of the love I had for him, once? We broke up, inofficially.
He left my place, broken. When the fact truly hit me, I couldn't stop crying. S. got up in the middle of the night and drove to my place and comforted me. No guy had ever done that for me.
October 29th: I kept everybody away from me. Didn't go to school, didn't want anybody around me.
October 30th: After not being together with him anymore, I openly told Michael about meeting S. this evening. Michael went to P.'s place, who is still pissed at S. for taking me away from Michael. S. proves to be more similar than ever. I even dare to sleep one hour in his bed. Went home at 7 in the morning.
October 31st: Michael and I carved faces into pumpkins together, tricking my parents that we were still a couple. Michael also behaved as if. We talked again, and seperated officially under lots of tears. I told him to go to P.'s place again, since he shouldn't be alone in such an hour (his parents were gone for a week). I told him that I would go to Lisa's (good friend of mine) place to sleep there too, and to talk. In reality, I went of course to S.'s house and spend the night there. Michael and I both told my parents that we went to Michael's house.
I hadn't slept so good for a long time. I could feel all night through how much S. wanted me to be around him. He hugged me while I was sleeping, and I was very often waking up in his arms. We are so so similar, we think the same ways, we have the same interests. I never met anyone so less different from me.
November 1st: I woke up at half past 2 pm in S.'s arms. We stayed in bed until 5 o' clock and talked about so many things. His friends are already suspicious and knew without telling that I had been with him. I felt so safe with him and happy, understood. I decided to give us a try.
What really hit me: I mentioned that I had skipped my graduation trip in July while talking about the reaction my parents will have. He said he skipped his back then too.
How lives can change in only a few moments. Crazy, isn't it? I can't say I'm really happy right now. I am not. I'm still thinking about Michael. I will probably write a letter to his parents and tell them my point of view, hoping they will understand.
He is called Steffen, btw. Half Czech of origin, he's a computer science student at university since two weeks and only 5 cms taller than me. He's the complete contrary to Michael - but apparently my reflection.
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